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itchy veins Novocaine stop these voices in my brain

She's the Robin Hood of Highgate

7/13/12 11:57 am - calls.

You get a call.
You pick up.

"hello? Sarah?
"huh? yea?"

"Hi yea Xnjkdfubdxs here.."
"uh. WHO?"

"uh..oh! sorry wrong number!"

You listen to the hollow of your phone and do a double take at the screen.
*Call ended*  
*swag homescreen*   [beams]


the thing about "wrong number" phone calls is that little feeling of "touching the unknown" or "exploring the frontiers beyond your phone book", even "(personal)space(yes) invaders".
either typing the wrong coordinates in or fumbling with trying to brilliantly recall the faded marker streaks of that number that chick at that seat told you to call her at.. you usually ever get that embarrassing moment of "WHO?"
at which you'd either
A) apologize and curtly drop the call (+ 5 points)
B) get abruptly disconnected (GAME OVER)


imagine you're on the receiving end.
an unrecognizable number.
an unfamiliar voice.

"how'd they get my number?"
"why do i not have them in my phonebook?"
"do other people have my number?"
"was the call really meant for me?"
"who are they?!"

you think about how they know your number exists with you on the other end.
you think about where they could be calling from - home? the toilet? at work? at their girlfriend's parents place?
you think about what the purpose of their call was..
could you have helped? maybe you'd have a better solution.
you think about what their voice was like
you think about how ugly they look based on that voice
you think about what they first said
and you recall..

they know your name.

2/1/12 04:27 pm - on showers.

little bird little bird little bird..
i've got one more question

recently, 'i've been looking at people's general preference for female house or room mates when they're renting a place out.
it's pretty queer. why the preference?
the stereotypical girl. princessy (will not do housework?), homemakers, motherly (domestic goddesses? ironic when presented with the previous characteristic), docile, catty (yet another contradicting point), considerate yet they take very long showers..

i really don't care about the other points but the thing about those contradicting points is that they're usually individualistic. long showers on the other hand has always been a long standing complaint(?) within most masculine conversations.
standing in the shower and perhaps just stoning and not doing anything in general is comforting and the heat of the water usually appeals to the female kind (statistically).
i understand and side with that but another more personal reason for my leaning towards this rather inconsiderate endeavor is the seclusion of the self. i like being alone in the shower. i mean yea, some people enjoy the occasional (i think) shower with their whoevers, but most would rather consider it their own "me time".

should do a poll on this sometime, it'll probably dig up interesting points.

considering my past issues with my family and ex boyfriends my showers have always been a time to hide from the problems that tend to erupt with most of my long standing relationships.

when a fight between my dad and i are over, i would hit the showers and it was only then, when i was allowed to shower, without him screaming at me to get out and continue a riff that i would know everything was over and it would be quiet again. the shower provided a safe haven from the broken glass, noise and the crying, the water raining down would ignite some sort of release of relief.
for ex boyfriends it would just be the running away for the time i was in the shower. but in the end coming back to conversations about where i was and why i had to take so long and other insecure matters..

i guess considering how long i've been using cubicles as a mini asylum, it has solidified into a routine and a quick draw into some very warped form of pleasure. thank god for waterfalls and greek ingenuity. 


4/10/11 12:16 am

you're my rock. and i feel so much for you.
so much more everyday. so cheesy but. darn. yea.
you're the only one who seems to get under my skin, and unknowingly manage to find out the only way to get me to do the things i never thought i'd ever do for anyone.
i appreciate you so much. it's almost erasing the pain that got us here.
it's funny, you're the only one that's managed to get me started on weaning off the mental crutches of my habit.
i love you.

Mr. Awesauce Nukeman.

3/5/11 05:13 pm - coincidence, maybe?

the nicest thing happened to me while leaving singapore.
i got called up in the morning of my rest day after coming back the night before from brisbane.
the flight was nice too, light load, nice people to serve.
being called up wasn't the nice part though.. it was shitty and i got really upset because i had work to be done yet.
wesley was really nice, and he helped me with it. a lot of it.
anyway, it was planned the night before, that i was gonna be out with him the entire day. so i went as planned. dad wasn't informed until i was already out and had some lunch. i wasn't really hungry because i was still upset though.

but i was out with wesley, but i couldn't contain my annoyance. tried being ok though, i guess i may have failed miserably. was in his room working on my essay and got really wound.

went out for a great dinner at sakura, did a little shopping at ntuc and went back. ended up, wesley did about 90% of my essay and i felt terrible.
i got home took a nice long shower, and started prepping, stress packing and all that. time to leave and wesley, waiting for me at starbucks, hijacking a table with a cold coffee and finished my essay came over to get me.
thing was that i told dad earlier in the day that i had a free cab from the company and it was coming to get me. i had a really heavy cargo bag and nice enough as the thought was he was going down to the cab with me to help me put my luggage into the boot.
i called wesley, anxious, as i was lugging my cargo bag from my room into the living room.
"my dad's going to come down with me.." i trailed and ended the call as he said "huu, he's coming down to the cab?"

however, since i made wesley wait for me and do my assignment, he would be the one waiting downstairs and not a cab. ah. damn. and i already cancelled the "company" taxi. such is life.
i panicked all the way from my door to the lift, almost throwing up and wanting to spill the beans on the still unknown fact that wesley drives and he offered to drive me to work. (cancelled cab) so amidst the panicking the lift got to the ground floor and almost as the end of the pillar blocking the view of the pick up point grew nearer, i said to my dad, ".. uh.. dad.."
and he looked at me still walking, to the stationary cab in the middle of the road. wesley's car was in the usual pick up drive way and i swallowed a breath "dad, it's ok" he ignored me.
we both got to the cab, i was beading with cold sweat as he opened up the car boot, lugged the cargo bag into it and i struggled to adjust my cabin bag to fit into the boot. he did it for me as my hands trembled at the thought that the driver would come out and tell me it's not my cab. i kept mum the entire time as he stayed in the driver's seat and i opened the door to get in. i looked out of the window as i closed the door. breathing heavy.

i looked at the taxi driver and struggled to look for the company decal in the windscreen. there was none. so i guess it really wasn't my cab. i looked at him and asked in mandarin "are you here to get someone to the airport?" "huh" came the blunt answer, "you're here to fetch someone else?" i looked out of the window again and my dad was nowhere in sight. i asked him, "you're here to fetch?" "i don't know"
i saw wesley, walking to the cab and i smiled a little, nervous, panicking still, wondering what the fuck was going on.

"i got a cab for you" he said, grinning at me. i stuttered a little "omg, huh, what!" i got my bags out of the taxi in a rush and thanked the driver, wesley paid him $4. i thanked the driver over and over.

apparently right after i called wesley, he was downstairs and he spotted a cab dropping someone off. he stopped the dude and asked him to wait for a "kong jie" and maybe bring me around the block if need be. after bribing him a little the driver obliged and waited for me. after a few seconds my dad and i arrived. in the nick of time.

those moments, left me, awkwardly shocked. my limbs already tired from the day, got even weaker. shock. seemingly.
wesley is a legandary, awesome miracle maker. <3

2/13/11 11:15 pm

 they say your head's linked to your heart
funny how i never believed it, up till now.
i feel the biggest migraine coming up.

1/16/11 11:25 am

 what the fuck's this now.
why hold back, it just gives you a migraine.

1/13/11 03:20 pm - a change of pace's chippie

" I trip on my words when I hear her voice
The thoughts in my head keep running over
Again your redundant sympathy for me
could never make me feel any better

I'm falling, further, away from you
I stumble, still waiting, for your answer

This is the last time you'll hear my voice
screaming the words that never made sense
from the tears in your eyes to the smile on my face
you finally got, whats coming to you

Excesively stressful is what we've become
A burden upon which neither of us needs
The past is the past and should be left behind
The future is now let me change your mind

I'm falling, further, away from you
I stumble, still waiting, for your answer

This is the last time you'll hear my voice
Screaming the words that never made sense
From the tears in your eyes to the smile on my face
You finally got, whats coming to you (coming to you...)

Find a way to carry on, Don't think of me cause I'll be gone
And when the day comes to an end
You'll think of me and I'll think of you again
I'll never forget your melodic voice

This is the last time you'll hear my voice
Screaming the words that never made sense
From the tears in your eyes to the smile on my face
You finally got, whats coming to you "

1/13/11 01:54 pm

it's funny how quickly this feeling seeps into our lives. how the one time you let something stick their heads into your life and bother to change and "do the right thing" for be pushed away by none other than yourself. it feels oddly obligatory to feel bad, mope and not want to feel alright. the fragility of the human mind, like muscle memory it fails to let go of a habit or the being accustomed to someone you stuck with, for the "fear". but like everything in life, though fleeting, has a chance to be pushed away/back or shoved into obscure crevices.
run. there's nothing left but forward. however, it seems some live with "Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past." yet right never comes. or is never enough. or is insignificant. like how trash will be trash, though another's booty, still waste in one's eyes.
perhaps i knew honesty hardly pays off, to think i'd be so stupid that this time would be the time to actually believe that.
pre-pubescent and adolescent years taught you nothing? waste not what you practiced, sweets.
one of the only times i was less selfish? great, look where it got you. you got degraded into an emotional bitch bag and being told how to run your life and be pushed around - verbally, emotionally. being told how you're supposed to be you. the only time, and pray the last, i'd ever let myself trip on the same crack in the pavement more than once. also, to stop believing when someone tells you they'd change for you. guess it's impossible for the ones knuckling you to be something else, to tweak themselves.
i do not believe my life's not a mess, and that i wasn't the one who fudged it. i know i did. it's the only thing i have responsibility for. the only thing. how others react to it is really not my choice. i made my moves, i've tread past the King, now the Queen's got her eye on me. empathy or apathy, sooner or later, it'd be check-mate, game over. too bad we'd never shake hands and said our GGs. but that wouldn't and shouldn't matter. because now, our lives are each our own. like daddy said, "no one owns you".

1/13/11 05:44 am


1/6/11 06:24 am

 it's empty. so filled with wrong, but so empty.
as if you've been around the world with your senses welded shut.
i don't know what i want from now and the future.
perhaps someone who loves me that little bit more than i.
someone who you have said will never exist.
i still want to move out, have pets and hang out with good conversation and coffee or whatever.
be able to head out anytime i want, dress up sometimes and smile a bit more.
everything else to me is just a blur.
plus now i've got school starting soon and i'm terrible at multitasking/thinking.
looking through the modules and book list i'm afraid i may have made a bad decision.
i guess i'll find out.

i don't even know when school starts.
because i don't trust SIM info. meh.
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